There is no life 8

 "There would have been but the boss won't allow it. It's getting too busy he doesn't want shifts going to people with inadequate experience..." my senior wrote in the chat. 

Apparently, I can't even be a bartender. And I'm basically forty. What is the point of anything, really? Today, I was chatting with a lecturer who told me I should expect to be a casual tutor for 4,5,6 years before I even got a real job opportunity. I've been creating this poorly acknowledged method during my last fertile years--and by fertility I mean motherhood--just to be given an empty diploma that now I feel will mean little to nothing to me (and my employers). 

I write an ambitious profile in Hinge that will be read by broken mid-age men that can't digest that I might have accomplished more than them. I have not met a single Australian who matches my lived experience. But who cares if I learned this or that in Buenos Aires or in Shanghai; what matters is that I don't know how to make a fucking cherry bomb in the bar that used to be my favorite place in Carlton up to today. 

And I am tired of defending who I am, as a woman, as an academic, as a professional, and as a person. I have left my kind to try to find a place in the world, and I might have chosen wrong. I don't know. I just know that I never thought I would be taking 4 different pills a day and still feeling crazy. 

Crazy. 

I used to believe that if one was truly positive, truly original, truly hardworking, and truly innovative, things would go well. But no. I came to a place where people tell me that "I am too ambitious, and it's not a compliment," and that I need to have experience even to pack fish inside bags. --Who has experience in this? I've seen the world, and they expect me to begin again? 

When will I earn some respect? 

And yet, I wake up, make a coffee, and pretend I will conquer the world. But I am truly exhausted and tired of ordinary people bringing me down. And yes... why is it wrong to say it? I am nothing but ordinary. I made all the bold choices, and I had the guts and the charisma to motivate people to follow me. But there will always be someone with more power who will not give me a chance. 

And I am too old to be pouring beers. I will have a Ph.D. for Christ's sake! 

Never did I think I would be at this point. But I am. And I am too tired to even esquematizar cómo terminar con todo. Cómo irme de este mundo y quizás así volver a ver mi madre. 

There is no one there to throw me a line, and I am drowning. I truly feel I will be done once I see the northern lights. I am happy to end this film there. I do not need a diploma to validate that my idea works. I don't need a ring to know I am worth loving and spending a life with. And I don't need to remain in this dimension to keep being brought down. 

I've lived many lives, 7 possibly. And that's ok. I am welcoming the afterlife. I just met a First Nations cancer researcher who told me that stress gives you cancer. And I am always stressed. I don't need to remain here to see if I finally wake up with a tumor.  I lived a good life. I am happy to leave things here. 

I really am.