Fifty Shades of Rainbows

 This constant search of you... is draining me. I've seen what seems all the shades of gray that this planet could have unfolded to me. Men from different colors, shapes, careers, origins, ages... 

It is exhausting just to remember them. 

I feel trapped, for the first time, I feel how their memories dance around me in a sort of cannibal ritual where they will open my chest, grab my heart, and feist on it... Leaving me there, on the floor, bleeding out my soul until I eventually --finally-- die. 

I never thought that I would reach this point in my life. It feels like a low point. I want to cry every couple of hours, for no good reason. Somehow, crying makes me remember that I am alive. Crying helps me remember that I indeed still have feelings left inside. I am not dead. 

But I feel like that, somedays. Dead. 

And do not get me wrong. I do a lot of stuff every day. Days where my crying minutes are the only space I have to remember that I am more than my working-productive-somehow successful persona. I feel that I have had this mask for a decade. The mask of a person that is well put together. No wonder why so many countries have offered to pay for my brains and courage. I know how to appear to be fine when needed. 

Recently I have had to appear more often than I want to. 

I remember to have felt this way in many countries. It is so clear how this sorrow has come a long way right now as if it was my shadow or my best and only friend. Sorrow is perhaps all the truth I have. 

I cannot express how sharp and clear is this pain, a pain that I've learned to live with. It is so clear that I embrace it, I accept it. I guess this is life because it has been my reality for 8 years. There has not been any change, only glimpses of what I thought I would have found by now. And I understand I cherish so much those brief moments that I have shared with men (all different men) because that is all I have. I conclude that I fall in love so quickly because I have been holding all of it in for so long that I have to have little explosions to continue living without imploding. 

And there I go, exploiting every month or two... believing that I have found you to soon discover that I was wrong. 

I am always wrong. 

Every time I see the scenario unfolding again, the same words, the same eyes, the same sharp feeling of rejection and indifference. Even when they say that they are sorry. Even when they say that they do not want to lose me (as a friend). Even when they say that I am one of the most amazing women that they have met. 

I am not enough. 

Never enough. 

Never the one. 

Never special (truly special).

Nothing. I am nothing. A bunch of diplomas and countries, a bunch of letters and implosions, a bunch of nothing. 

I thought that if I lost weight I would increase my chances. Today, I know that not even looking gorgeous a man would choose me. 

I thought that if I traveled the world I would be more interesting. Today, I know that interesting could be threatening. 

I thought that if I had a Ph.D. I would be respected and admired. Today, I know that it could be intimidating. I know that this is exactly what pulls me out of the pool of what men want. 

I thought that if I loved myself and believed in my convictions I would be loved. Now, I know that this is exactly why I am not.

I thought wrong and I do feel that it is too late to change anything. There is nothing more than precisely me. And I will have to fall in love forever with myself. I do love who I am. I truly believe that I am the most wonderful person I have ever met. So brave, so honest, so sincere... so eager to make this a better world. I love myself because I know everything I have done. All those places I went, all those trains, plains, buses, boats... All those sleepless nights. All those letters. All those kids. All those friends.

And I am crying because I know that I deserve better. I am drifting because I have realized that better doesn't exist. It is only me. 

So... I give up on you. At least today. I give up on finding you and waiting for you. It's been enough. 

I want shades of rainbows because I am colorful and full of life. 

Do not come back to turn me gray again. 

For my love is colorful and truthful and does not belong to you anymore, for you will never appreciate what you do not understand. 

I am ready to be free at last. 

Goodbye men. Hello Lau.  

Luz de Posguerra

 Es un nuevo día y sólo quiero sentir cada partícula de oxígeno que entra a mis pulmones. 

A veces hay días que no sé qué estoy haciendo. ¡Qué va! Creo que casi todo el tiempo no lo sé. De alguna forma he salido ilesa de la guerra que me tocó vivir. No fue una guerra nuclear, no fue una guerra de trincheras, fue una guerra contra un bicho invisible que habitó o pudo habitar a cualquiera, incluso al ser más cercano a mi propia alma. Estos dos años (sí, dos años) nos pidieron alejarnos de lo que más amábamos, nuestros padres, nuestros abuelos, nuestros hermanos, nuestros amantes, nuestros hijos, nuestros amigos... 

Y muchos perdimos nuestra propia libertad o aceptamos perderla para salvarnos o salvar a los que amamos. 

Creo que no tenemos idea de lo profundo que se nos ha metido en el corazón este bicho, incluso a los que hemos logrado librarlo. No tuve covid pero siento que de alguna forma quizás sí, el daño colateral prevalece en mi mente y esa especie de tic que ha quedado de temer al contacto humano sin trapos en la cara (por no decir cubre bocas). Y no puedo imaginar el parteaguas que esta guerra invisible fue para amigos que perdieron a sus padres o familiares, que perdieron su salud, que perdieron sus trabajos y otras oportunidades que se disolvieron conforme los semáforos cambiaban de amarillo a naranja a rojo. 

En medio de esta nueva tormenta parece inevitable aceptar que no queda de otra más que perder el miedo al bicho y seguir. Hemos llegado al tope de su invasión pero al menos parece ya no ser mortal. Y todos seguimos rezando al unísono, esperando que salgamos bien librados, esperando la calma finalmente, la calma después de esta tormenta. 

Esperando un abrazo sin trapos de toda la humanidad. 

Mañana daré mi primera clase en la Universidad que sentó las bases de mi vocación. Volveré ahora como maestra a esos pasillos que hace casi 15 años recorrí como una estudiante idealista. Mañana pasaré filtros sanitarios y sí, me pondré un trapo, pero eso no me quitará el sentimiento de sentirme realmente viva otra vez, viva al estar rodeada de las personas que tendrán nuestro futuro en las siguientes décadas y no de pantallas. No tengo miedo, pero no bajaré la guardia tampoco. Me siento muy afortunada de tener una oportunidad de aportar al mundo algo en medio de estos tiempos históricos. Espero poder hacer una pequeña diferencia, una diferencia que crezca en las manos y los corazones de mis estudiantes. 

Me senté a terminar de preparar mi primera clase y no pude evitar sentir una gran conmoción en mi corazón. Y tuve que volver a este espacio a dejarlo escrito. Porque esto es parte de mi historia y quiero recordar que estuve viva en la pandemia del siglo XXI. 

Gracias a todos los que han creído en mí, saben que siempre contarán conmigo. 

Seguimos aquí. Que este 2022 nos llene dé fuerza para recordar que somos implacables, que somos compasivos, que somos humanos.  

Pero sobre todo, somos amor. 

Mis oraciones están con ustedes, 

Laura

Lost and Found (AEN)

I thought I had found you, but I was wrong. 

Sometimes I feel that I will never meet your sight. 

Today, as I was crying, I could feel my broken back moaning with me. I'm hunching again, it's getting harder to stand straight every minute. 

He appeared to be you, he did. It does not feel like that anymore. 

Sola, Tú debes estar bien sola. I repeated to myself as I cried aiming to get fixed by the words of Chris Martin, which are playing as I type. 

Me sientro atrapada en esta dimensión hispanohablante. Me siento perdida en la búsqueda de ti. 

Perhaps I have seen glimpses of you all these years... and I am grateful for those brief moments when we were blessed with the glorious hope of love. 

Sinceramente, una parte de mí verdadermane ha aceptado que el costo de todo serás tú, mi amor. 

And the worlds he said about me not being whom he would marry, whom he would follow, whom he would cherish echo in my mind, as bombs destroying our shelter, as oceans drowning our island, as earthquakes demolishing our mountain peak. 

Como la escoliosis que destroza mi columna vertebral y mis ganas de levantarme. 

And I see our future fading, our children disappearing, our memories being erased. The vivid dream that never came and never will come true. 

No soy suficiente y no soy lo que quieres. 

Perhaps it is time to stop believing in love... romantic love... couple's love... consummated love. 

Y la gente cree que soy exceptional porque he pisado 45 culturas pero el precio que pagué fue muy alto. Y la factura sigue sin saldarse. 

Today I grief for another man that believed that I was the one but turned around at the sight of trouble. He called me a problem, he called me a drama. 

Y cada palabra me rebana las vértebras y me perfora el tórax. Un eterno deya vú.

Where are you? Do you exist? 

I think that I have lost you, my love. Wherever you are, forgive me for not finding you when I should have. I will pray for you to be happy and cherish what I dreamed of us. 

Y soñaré todos los días contigo, te veré en mis sueños, lo único que nos queda. 

And I promise you that I will honor the love that we never had with all my work, with all my letters, with all my soul. I will give the love of our children to my students, to my community. I will imprint my passion into my stories, where I will undress you and hold you forever...

Y te prometo que no me voy a rendir, aunque sienta que me asfixio en este momento en el que acepto que te desvaneciste mientras yo recorrí el mundo. 

No regrets. 

No complaints. 

Goodbye, my love. 

Adios.  

We are our own heroes...

Today, This month, This year

It's been a while since I write here. And I miss it. It has been a hard year, a weird year, a crashing year. But I am still here, with a bunch of work in front of me yet somehow excited about how I am going to finish it on time. 

Uncertainty. Procrastination. Heroism. Or maybe Failure, who knows! But I have hope. 

And I don't know. I just wanted to talk with you, whoever is reading this. 

I guess the thing that I did the most during this pandemic season was to think about the purpose of life, about how to keep hope, about which people we want close to us in the darkest hours. And, despite it really scares the shit out of me, I realized that the person that I have to keep closer is me. It is really annoying and mesmerizing to accept for real that the only soul that will never leave you is your own. I think I shed many tears when thinking about how much I did not think about my well-being in a responsible fashion. Things such as eating healthy or exercising, or getting away from people who would just bring me misery. The most difficult thing perhaps is to let go our faults, move on, and open up again. Has something similar ever happened to you as well?

Regardless, I still feel that change is hard but also it is exciting. It just takes one moment to change everything. A moment that needs a series of other moments to flourish. It is a process, it is a fight. "You got to fight the fight, kid!" And I have had such a wonderful life, despite all the moments of pain and disappointment, of my failures and mistakes. We have to embrace our path, our obstacles, our challenges, our embarrassment, without them there is no growth, change, evolution. Becoming our own hero is the most difficult thing that we will ever accomplish because it is a process that requires a lifetime, because we can always be better, and because we are the toughest judges of all. 

This is our movie, there is no turning back. 

I still feel that my mission will require sacrifices and resilience, but I know that it will be worth it. Our breath is a reminder of the miracle of being alive. And I am grateful for having survived this pandemic up to today. It sounds crazy, but I do want to change the world. I'm looking for people who believe in humankind, in love, in possibilities. And I know I do know a bunch of great human beings! Becoming heroes together makes things more powerful. 

Would you like to change the world with me?

You know how to find me. 

Talk with you soon.

With love,

Lau

The last continent (AEN)

April 02, 2020

I want the aftermath. 

I don’t want flowers, I don’t want the long, long phone calls overnight, I don’t want you to tell me that I am perfect. 

I don’t want you to elaborate on how you looked for me all your life; because we both know that you were not looking for someone like me. Nevertheless, you realized it was me, in the least expected day, in the least expected way. Wasn’t it like that? It will be like that. It always is. 

And it is not that I don’t like the excitement of the first date or to feel the energizing power of infatuation; its that I want real love, the real consummated love. The moment where we have understood who we are and accepted us just as we are: imperfect humans, without any masks, without fear.  

I just want us to be there. To be real. I want you to take my hand in the streets proudly and carelessly at the same time. 

I want you to hold me tight every night and fall asleep on the lullaby of your breathing. 

I want us to pack our luggage and take planes, buses, and trains… To get lost in the world with you. And I will get lost twice, because I will get lost in you as well, my new world. 

I want to pray for you when I wake up and when I go to bed. I want to take care of you when you are sick and when you are feeling down. 

I want to fall in love with your flaws and smile when you start talking in that particular way you always do. I want to make you laugh when I point out something that only you and I understand. And your laughter will become one of my favorite songs… I know that. 

I want to tell our children, “do as your father say”, even when you may not be right. I want them to admire you and love you as much I do. I want us to hide under our bedsheets and pretend that we are little monsters, living in Mars or in one of Jupiter’s moons. 

I want us to make love, to be held with love and lust. To dive into your eyes as you dive inside me. To hold you as you hold me, lost in a tornado where our DNAs mix and remix as we forget where we begin or end. 

I want to kiss you as no one else has kissed you before and never will. I want to be your turning point. I want to make you happy, happy to be alive. I want you to believe in your potential and know that I will be there for you, no matter what.

I want you to know that I will love you unconditionally and that I believe in fairy tales, in forevers, and in becoming old together. I am that kind of gal, who believes in family and tradition, despite how untraditional I look. 

Could you take a leap of faith? Could you accept my patched heart? Could you..? I have searched for you through air, land, and water; through digital and physical dimensions; through time zones and continents… 

I can’t breath… maybe because I am not alive yet. 

I will find you. I promise. And when I do, I swear that I will not let go. I will not give up.

And you will be my last continent to discover, my private island, my bomb-shelter, and my mountain peak. 

I will find you. 

I can feel it now. 

All this time I was just getting ready to be exactly what you were not expecting. 

I am an astronaut in this planet, wearing a thick suit that protects me from everything while I land in my planet. You are that planet… And when I land there, I will take off my suit, and breath for the first time. 

And all will be peaceful, because I will finally arrive to the last continent, a continent that no one else knows, that no one has discovered. I will make my home there, never to be a nomad again. 

Conexión (AEN)

13 de septiembre, 2017

Vivimos en lo que me parece un viaje multidimensional, estamos en constante cambio, en constante evolución. A veces nos dejamos llevar por la inercia y la energía necia de la rutina, olvidando que todos tenemos un propósito más allá del simple devenir cotidiano.

Más allá que trabajar.
Más allá que estudiar.
Más allá que el irse por unas chelas a pendejear.

Para mí es muy claro que el ser humano sólo puede trascender de una manera: conectándose. Quizás es por esta necesidad tan intrínseca de nuestra raza que hemos evolucionado desde las pinturas rupestres hasta el iPhone de última generación en la palma de nuestras manos... Hasta este blog, en donde les escribo.

Los momentos más importantes de mi vida son enmarcados por conexiones, en su mayoría humanas pero también con la naturaleza, con la historia y el legado de nuestros antepasados y, claramente, con lo inexplicable o con lo que muchos llaman "Dios".

Si estás leyendo esto es porque en algún momento conectaste conmigo y quiero agradecerte por ese detalle, por el mucho o poco tiempo que me dedicaste. Aunque no lo creas, me cambiaste.

Vivimos momentos de caos, de incertidumbre, y es en medio de esta oscuridad que entendemos lo breve que es nuestra existencia y lo frágiles que somos. Aunque yo no estuve ahí, he sentido el dolor de mi gente y he rezado porque todo mejore. Me siento con una responsabilidad muy grande y quiero hacer un cambio desde donde estoy ahora.

Estoy orgullosa de los amigos que tengo y de cómo han reaccionado ante esta crisis. De repente uno se da cuenta de que es un adulto y que el cambio está en nosotros.

Aún no me queda claro qué es lo que voy a hacer, pero sé que las conexiones que he hecho hasta ahora deben trascender a algo extraordinario. Gracias por existir, gracias por seguir aquí.

Lu

Even when you are taken (AEN)

November 15, 2018

I don't know how or why, but it's true that sometimes you connect with someone in the worst time possible. Yet, it is exactly the perfect moment. It's a human thing to have some struggle, some drama, and that extra effort makes everything feel even more extraordinary.

We tend to desire what is out of our reach. Universal rule. Good for Buda, who managed to break it!

I'm no Buda.

And, I do feel it.
I still feel your warm eyes looking back into mines. Am I crazy? Because I did feel that you gave me that subtle glance. The glance.

I have become an expert in hiding my real feelings and playing it cool. At least I try to. Unrequited love has become a habit and a condition that is entangled to my small but strong heart. I have learned to love without conditions, through time zones and relativity. And I'm unexpectedly grateful for these years of "lonelyness". I have learned to love and respect myself. I have also kind of learned to be patient.

Therefore, I have tried to keep my distance from you. I have tried to protect myself from falling too deep and too hard... Straight to the cold ground, diving from what seems higher than Shanghai Tower. (And by falling I obviously mean in love). And it works, I forget that you exist from time to time. But there are days like today, days that I just feel that if things were different we would not be kilometers away tonight. Days that I wish that somehow you were not taken.

I came about three years too late. Too late to meet the perfect guy.
What a surprise... For someone who is always late, this is just routine.

I'm always late.

At least meeting you reminded me that there are still cool people in this world, people who are from my generation and still understand when I talk about my childhood. Remarkable people who left their comfort zone to aim for something greater. Unforgettable people who get you with just a glance, not even words.

So, I keep these thoughts not in my mind but in my heart. I wonder if someday you will realize that I fancy you and that we could built something more than a friendship together... And, just maybe, you magically decide to take me instead...
Disney-Daydreaming, another constant in my life.

It did not surprise me that you were taken. Not even the irony that you were so perfectly designed to be my almost impossible match...

This is routine. As usual.

Maybe one day love will synchronize with my existence. Till then, I will be here...

I hope that you know that.

Sincerely,
Little Luo